Jag är på väg till vad som var mitt andra hem. På väg till där jag gjort mina djupaste fridyk. Där jag klättrat, yogat, varit kär och olyckligt kär, älskat och hatat fridykning. Jag försöker minnas men minnena är hala, glider undan just när jag satt fingret på dem.
Jag undrar hur havet kommer kännas och hur havet mår, hur vi kommer överens. Eftersom minnet sviker mig letar jag igenom gamla blogginlägg. Här är några utkast:
7 mars 2007
Memories attack me from every street and corner I walk. My mind slips away on long trips of nostalgi like an emotional roller coaster.
Dahab. My beloved paradise is still a paradise, but not mine anymore.
It’s similar to visiting an ex boyfriend. We used to share everything and we (thought we) knew each other so well. But now it’s awkward, we’re like strangers. We don’t know what to talk about without avoiding sensitive subjects. Hugging each other feels strange, not quite right, even though we’ve hugged a hundred times before.
I’ve lived in Dahab for almost three years. It’s been my home for a very, very long time. I dedicated every hour of that time to the sea and to freediving. They meant everything to me. I felt relief when I broke the surface and experienced the water against my face. It was my safe place, my refuge. The fish were my friends. I couldn’t go more than a day without longing to the blue freedom of freediving and the colours of the reef. I needed water, and it felt like water needed me. Then something happened. The magic went away. Where did it go?
Again, I can compare it to a love story; The hard part is to accept that it’s over and it will never be the same again. But there’s no need to be sad that it’s over. Better to be happy it happened.
24 september 2012
I’m in a flow. I’m one with the sea, flowing with the water, and training has never been so good before. I dive deeper and deeper and it’s still easy. I think I know why. It’s not because my perfect training or my perfect equipment. It’s because I’ve let go. I feel free. And freediving is really about the mind. About controlling the mind and your thoughts. The mind needs to be free and tranquil in order to dive deep.
I think freedom comes from letting go. It doesn’t come from acquiring more stuff, more money or more ego. I’ve let go of my ego striving and “greed” for depth. I’ve let go of numbers and wanting. I’m just diving and relaxing, and that’s why I can dive deep.